Beware the Man Who Doesn't First GIVE!

Ephesians 5: 21-33: Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ also is the head of the assembly, being himself the savior of the body. But as the assembly is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives,even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it;

Submission is often taught from this scripture and appropriately so but I truly believe and submit to you its as much about original intent, roles and giving as about submission.  We tend to focus giving on tangible things like money and time. Giving is as much an act with your heart as your body if you are a believer. God looks upon the heart because that is where your original intent or motivations lie and aren't necessarily a true depiction of what you're really doing despite the outward show. Because I am a woman I want to direct the main lesson in this area of giving to my sisters to ponder, but brothers reading this I hope its a matter you can take to heart as well. 

Beloved sisters, I beseech you to beware of the man who does not first give. What do I mean by this? I mean if you're on the giving end of your relationship, worn out, tired, absolutely parched from being drained dry emotionally, heart screaming out "just show me something" then you are in a backwards position and I want to tell you that thing is never going to work out without a major intervention from God and a man of God to show that brother the way (you can't dear sister, quit trying). He's selfish and will never give you what you need until his role is learned for you. Not talking about the how its done in your relationship--its not cookie-cutter theology I'm talking here, its independent on who the two of you are as people but the premise, the principal is still the same. From the inception of and in the continuation of a relationship, the man must give first and foremost! Period. He needs to take the lead in  pouring time, attention, care, adoration, finance and communication into you for you to respond to. Yes, you will reciprocate and not be a taker only-- please don't think I'm saying that. See, you my dear sister are not wired naturally and with original intent as a giver. You are wired and most natural as a RESPONDER. You're made to take in and give back/nurture a seed. You're made to AMPLIFY what a man gives in to you. If you're primarily on the giving end of a relationship, trying to make a man respond well, then you're batting your head up against a brick wall that's not going to move. This principal is a law and set in God's original intent as much as gravity and the pull to the earth is. I am telling you this with the hopes that you're not married to the non-giving selfish man,  (that's a whole different set of circumstances to teach about because I've been there and I know some things about it) hopefully...if you're simply dating and this describes the nature of your relationship may I please submit to you the eloquent and profound words from a Pastor and friend? RUN AT THE FIRST SIGN OF CRAZY because you my dear are in some craziness that's never going to truly work out. Yes, you may get this man to come back to your space, give you some time and some attention for brief interludes...heck, he may even marry you if that's the pressure you're putting on him gets him to respond that way (we women know how to manipulate and drive a man when we want to don't we?) but sweetheart, you're just headed down the road for even more rejection with that man. He won't change his stripes just because you trapped him with pressure, or a baby or whatever emotionally out of control stunts you pulled to get him to try and respond to your "love." You're in need of a mind change and a heart fix sisters. Realize that you're at your best in strength and dignity, examining a man, reserved in your emotions and behavior with him and letting him reveal if he's a giver and not selfish. This man is rare but he's out there. He just isn't attracted to a woman who wants him to respond. He can see you a mile away with your desperation and lack of knowledge. He won't give his precious things to a woman who doesn't deserve them.

 Let this sink in and heed its wisdom and warning. And, for my brothers...if you're the man who is responding to a woman who...oh, let's say has taken your seed (sperm) and given you a baby and is now giving you HELL in your life accept you've reaped what you sowed. You didn't first give self control, restraint and kept your seed from a woman you weren't married and in covenant with so there you go...you didn't get a wife you got a "baby momma" so quit waiting on her to act like she's got some sense until God intervenes. You sowed selfish and out of control emotional and physical acts and you're now reaping out of control physical and emotional acts.  You did it. She is just doing what she naturally does...respond in kind.

My deepest desire is restoration, healing and liberty for my sisters in pain, hurt and bondage. It is my hopes that as you read this you will examine whatever state you find yourself in. Get OUT of a relationship that is draining you, quit it. Stop (cease all motion) today. Staying in it is just going to deplete you, wear you out and will never give you what you deserve. If you're married to the non-giving selfish man (quite possibly because you pressured the marriage into being) begin by repentance and asking God to restore His original intent in your marriage. Be prepared to adapt your behavior too. You're used to leading and now you're going to have to submit to a man not used to being the head. Its a perplexing set of circumstances but God can and will do the impossible with a submitted heart desperate for change. Even if he doesn't change...YOU WILL. I'm praying with and for you.

Please feel free to forward CEENOTES with Cheryl Carr to friends and colleagues, but please forward in its entirety. CEENOTES with Cheryl Carr is written and distributed by Arete1 International.


(c) Copyright 2010 Cheryl Carr and ARETE1 International.